“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
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Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.