Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
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Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
😂😂😂
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something