If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
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What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?