In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
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I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Once again not all heroes wear capes
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?