She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
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Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.