Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
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I hate my earbuds.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
The old gods are rising again.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.