What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
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When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
At least he brought enough for everyone
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties