School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
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In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor