“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
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*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I know karate and tons of other words.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong