Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
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*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
What about second breakfast?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.