[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
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Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98