*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
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*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Actually cracking up @ this
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.