Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
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If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
wishing you and yours all the best
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.