The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.