Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
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I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah