Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
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Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich