Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
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Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”