No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
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I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …