Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.