is nasa ok
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villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
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.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
#winning
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”