the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
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wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.