The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
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me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”