really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
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Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae