My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
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Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.