Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
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Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
podcasts
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer