*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
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Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.