Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
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Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?