Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
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[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.