[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
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Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
…u ok Nintendo?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?