warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
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I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Breaking news:
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM