Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
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I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*