I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
You Might Also Like
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes