Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
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If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
And now we wait
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?