Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
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*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
#titanic
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.