Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
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I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire