Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
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To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.