[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
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The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
They must have gotten it to go.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Death certificates are our last participation award.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
is nasa ok
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine