I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Hey! This isn’t my car!
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.