Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
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Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house