His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
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I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.