“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
NASA has no chill
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.