Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
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Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.