I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
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My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.