My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
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Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
haha same
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no