announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
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I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.