We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
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How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.