Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
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My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.