Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
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Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.