Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
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“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
#Caturday
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
what my late-night hot pocket sees
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Best misinterpreted text ever!