God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
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I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.